10 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage

Top 10 Ways to Bullet Proof Your Marriage:

This is an opinion post so I will not be sharing any statistics or scientific data with you, but I have a hell of a lot of personal experience. I come from a family of marriage, divorce, & remarriage and I am going to share with you what I have seen that works & what does not work. In my effort to ensure that my husband & I do not fall victim to the biggest known contributors of failed second marriage, I have read just about every book, article, & blog post that I could get my hands on. 

It's no secret that a happy marriage requires work & compromise. I quickly learned that a second marriage begins with built in problems and baggage, that doesn't affect first marriages. Read this, for more information on the top ten reasons that a second marriage is likely to end in divorce.

So, you want to make it work, the second time around. 

You & me both. 

What can we do to reduce the odds of our second or subsequent marriages ending in divorce.

1. Communication: This sounds like a no-brainer, right? It's such a simple idea, that we overlook it. Communication in key in any marriage, but in a second marriage, it's just as or even more important that we communicate with our spouse. We must communicate our needs, our bottom line, and we can't expect our spouse to read our mind.

Keep in mind, when communicating with your spouse, it's not only what you say, but the way you say it that counts. Pay close attention to your body language, tone of voice, choice of words, gestures & mannerisms. 

 2. Fight Fair: Cooperative communication it great, but we all know how quickly talking can escalate into arguing. There's nothing wrong with couples who have disagreements, arguments, and, yes, even fights. No, I don't mean the knock down, black eye kind of fights. If your spouse ever resorts to physical abuse, you need to get out of the marriage. But fighting is normal. Actually, couples who seldom or never fight- often harbor resentment.

How do we fight fair? We make an effort not to push the other person's buttons. We limit the scope of the argument to the relevant issues. Never bring up past mistakes. If you've forgiven your spouse for a past blunder, then keep your word & leave the past where it belongs...in the past.

3. Set Boundaries & Rules (and stick to them): Couples argue. That's a fact. Women & men have different ideas about how to settle disagreements. That's another fact. My husband & I used to argue about stupid things and then it would turn into something bigger. When it did, he would storm out (of course, without stopping to calmly tell me where he was going), and then to make me even crazier, he would turn off his phone so that I couldn't reach him. When you have a pissed off woman who is crying and you storm out and then refuse to take her call...let me tell you, she does not calm down very easily. This became a huge issue in our marriage.

Referring back to #1-communication, we weren't doing a very good job. When we argued, I got emotional. Yup, I'm a chick. I screamed, yelled, cried, threw things (well maybe I shouldn't admit to the last one), and my tone grew louder and more sarcastic with each word. Sound familiar, anyone? It's okay, you don't have to admit to it.

 So we weren't communicating & we damn sure didn't know how to fight fair. What my husband didn't know, was that by walking out on me, he scared the hell out me. What I didn't know, was that he wasn't walking out on me, he just needed to get away from my emotional, hormonal outburst, before he said something he didn't mean & would later regret.

Once we explained our fears & feelings to each other & understood how the other felt, we'd taken the first step. We eventually set some ground rules for our fights. I know...I know- sounds horrible the need to set rules for future fights. But, hey, it works. When things get heated between us (not in the good passionate heated way) and the fighting escalates, we've agreed (ahead of time), that if he needs to get away, he can leave the room (not the house) without me following & yelling. In return, he recognizes that he must return when things have calmed down so we can resolve the issue.

4. Trust: Earn it, keep it, be worthy of it & never ever break it. Be truthful. Having lies & secrets will create distance.

5. Don't Nag: Nothing drives a man crazier than a nagging wife and it goes for nagging husbands as well. He did not marry you so you could mother him. Just don't do it.

6. Respect: Never talk disparagingly abut your spouse to others, this includes your mom & your b/f/f's. You owe each other respect. Respect the marriage & respect each other

7. Get Over Jealousy: Jealousy is usually our own issue. We often arrive in the marriage with the jealousy baggage and if we don't learn how to feel good enough about ourselves and secure in our marriage, then our jealousy will lead to a loving, faithful spouse calling it quits. The irony is that the downfall of our marriage won't be because our partner was unfaithful, it will be because he/she couldn't take our unfounded jealousy any longer.

8. Don't be annoying: This includes gross personal habits, personal hygiene, habits (always being late, never being dressed when it's time to leave), nitpicking & anything else that you know is annoying or that your spouse continually tells you is annoying.

9. Sexual Intimacy: Keep things fresh & sexy in your marriage.

10. Know when to Mind your own business: Stay out of issues between your spouse and her/his ex, especially when it concerns their children (unless the issue directly impacts you) and then you should allow your spouse to handle the issue, with your input.

One final suggestion: I suppose this could be counted as tip number eleven (11), but I believe this tidbit applies to each of the above listed tips. For your marriage to work, you need to give up your need to always be right. This applies to communication, fair fighting and all of the others. This includes lecturing your spouse. Just don't do it.

Nobody likes (or loves) a know-it-all. Be sincere, admit when you are wrong and don't be afraid to tell your spouse that you are a little insecure about the marriage. Men will respect you for this and will work hard to diminish your doubts & worries. On the other hand, if, you resort to game playing, jealousy & other immature & selfish acts...nothing will send him packing, faster.

How about you? Can you share some tips for bullet proofing your second or subsequent marriage? When you leave a comment on this post or any other post on this blog, don't forget to pop over to my other blog, Have Your Heard, and add another entry in my prize give a way. You get an additional entry for each comment you leave on either blog. The grand prize is an iPad mini

Your Remarriage Will Probably end in Divorce

Will your Second (or third/fourth...) Marriage end in Divorce?

or

Is it possible to beat the odds? 

Is it better the second time around? It's no secret that half of all marriages end in divorce.  Damn, with  stats like that, why the hell do we even bother? You would think we'd learn from the mistakes of our first marriage, commit to not repeating them and all second and subsequent marriages would benefit from that wisdom, right? 

Wrong!

If that was true, then the divorce statistics for second marriages wouldn't be so high.  According to this divorce rate website, a whopping sixty-seven (67%) of second marriages end in divorce and that rate goes up to seventy-four (74%) for second marriages when one or both spouses have minor children from a previous marriage.

That means that some of our marriages have about a 25% chance of survival. Take a look at the cake. That's a frightening statistic. If an airline pilot told you that your flight had a seventy-four (74%) chance of crashing, how many of you would board the damn plane? I don't know about you, but I'd be cruising the U.S in a recreational vehicle and traveling by ship, if I needed to leave the country.

But, the statistics don't stop us from entering into a second marriage, now do they? Why not? Because we are in love and love conquers all (not). We are certain that we are the exception...no way it will happen to me.

 What the hell are we doing so wrong? 

What are we doing to turn our wedding bliss into a disaster of dissolution?

When I got married the first time, sure, I was in love and thought I would spend the rest of my life with my husband. We married young (too young), divorced, remarried and divorced again. Every time my ex and my mom argued, she would always get the last jab, with something like, "Well you're an idiot, you married her twice." 

Do I regret my first marriage? Not a chance. I have great kids as a result and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

So what happened? It doesn't really matter, the point is when I married my current husband, I was older, more mature and entered the marriage with an abiding conviction that I would not repeat previous mistakes. Is this a guarantee that my current marriage will last?

Let's take a look at the top reasons a second marriage, is doomed (statistically) from the start and then in part two of this series, we will address what we can do to bullet proof~divorce poof our second marriages.

Top 10 Reasons 2nd Marriages end in Divorce:

1. A person remarried on the rebound and has not fully grieved the death of the first marriage.

2.  One or both partners put all the blame of the first divorce on the ex-spouse. When this occurs, problems that existed in the previous marriage, will undoubtedly creep into the new marriage. The new couple is doomed. It is crucial that you take responsibility for your part in the previous breakup. If you find yourself or your new spouse blaming everything on the ex-spouse...something is clearly wrong.

3. There is less glue holding the second or subsequent marriage together,  when the couple does not have children of their own. When the couple does not have children in common, the element of family is not as central. There is less at stake in allowing the marriage to dissolve.

4. Ironically, children from the prior marriage are one of the leading causes of conflict in a subsequent marriage & the biggest or second biggest contributing factor in the demise of the subsequent marriage .

5. Fighting, arguing or constant nagging about an ex-spouse.

6. Financial disagreements, particularly concerning the amount of money a new husband continues to pay to the ex-wife in alimony, child support or a combination of the two.

7. Once a person discovers that he or she can manage a divorce, they are less scared of going through the process again.

8. Large age difference.

9. Lack of shared religious faith or beliefs in other matters, e.g., finances, retirement, child rearing, discipline etc.

10. Infidelity.

In our mission to find Mr. or Mrs. right, we far too often enter into the second marriage without realizing why the first one failed.  Jewish Marriage Counselors, compare this to NASA building a rocket before finding out why the last one exploded.

Make no mistake, one person does not cause a divorce. Regardless of whether the previous marriage ended because of alcohol, infidelity, lack of communication, verbal abuse or any of the plethora of other issues that are often labeled "irreconcilable differences," it is the continued dissension, constant grappling of two inconsistent or adverse belief systems that leads to the demise of a marriage.

Other contributing factors that lead to conflict which, left unresolved, leads to divorce.

1. Alcohol or substance use and or abuse; excessive gambling

2. One partner wants to stay out late & paint the town while the other has lived that life and is more comfortable at home with a beer in hand and a football game on the tube.

3. Emotional infidelity in the workplace (more predominant when one spouse does not work or has never worked in a professional capacity).

4. Verbal, emotional or physical abuse

5. A clingy or jealous spouse

 Does this mean your second or subsequent marriage is destined for divorce? No! There are couples who survive the overwhelming challenges and obstacles of a second marriage. I intend to be part of that twenty-six (26%). Do you?

Marriage involves a total commitment regardless of whether it's your first, second or ninth marriage. There are statistically proven steps that one can take, to beat the paralyzing odds of divorce.

In Part 2 of this series I will discuss the top ten way to divorce proof your marriage.

How about you? Are you in a second or subsequent marriage? What tips and/or advice can you share in the comment section? What makes your marriage work?  What do you believe is the number one, primary reason for the destruction of second or subsequent marriages? How can we remedy that problem. Please share your experiences.