Your Remarriage Will Probably end in Divorce

Will your Second (or third/fourth...) Marriage end in Divorce?

or

Is it possible to beat the odds? 

Is it better the second time around? It's no secret that half of all marriages end in divorce.  Damn, with  stats like that, why the hell do we even bother? You would think we'd learn from the mistakes of our first marriage, commit to not repeating them and all second and subsequent marriages would benefit from that wisdom, right? 

Wrong!

If that was true, then the divorce statistics for second marriages wouldn't be so high.  According to this divorce rate website, a whopping sixty-seven (67%) of second marriages end in divorce and that rate goes up to seventy-four (74%) for second marriages when one or both spouses have minor children from a previous marriage.

That means that some of our marriages have about a 25% chance of survival. Take a look at the cake. That's a frightening statistic. If an airline pilot told you that your flight had a seventy-four (74%) chance of crashing, how many of you would board the damn plane? I don't know about you, but I'd be cruising the U.S in a recreational vehicle and traveling by ship, if I needed to leave the country.

But, the statistics don't stop us from entering into a second marriage, now do they? Why not? Because we are in love and love conquers all (not). We are certain that we are the exception...no way it will happen to me.

 What the hell are we doing so wrong? 

What are we doing to turn our wedding bliss into a disaster of dissolution?

When I got married the first time, sure, I was in love and thought I would spend the rest of my life with my husband. We married young (too young), divorced, remarried and divorced again. Every time my ex and my mom argued, she would always get the last jab, with something like, "Well you're an idiot, you married her twice." 

Do I regret my first marriage? Not a chance. I have great kids as a result and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.

So what happened? It doesn't really matter, the point is when I married my current husband, I was older, more mature and entered the marriage with an abiding conviction that I would not repeat previous mistakes. Is this a guarantee that my current marriage will last?

Let's take a look at the top reasons a second marriage, is doomed (statistically) from the start and then in part two of this series, we will address what we can do to bullet proof~divorce poof our second marriages.

Top 10 Reasons 2nd Marriages end in Divorce:

1. A person remarried on the rebound and has not fully grieved the death of the first marriage.

2.  One or both partners put all the blame of the first divorce on the ex-spouse. When this occurs, problems that existed in the previous marriage, will undoubtedly creep into the new marriage. The new couple is doomed. It is crucial that you take responsibility for your part in the previous breakup. If you find yourself or your new spouse blaming everything on the ex-spouse...something is clearly wrong.

3. There is less glue holding the second or subsequent marriage together,  when the couple does not have children of their own. When the couple does not have children in common, the element of family is not as central. There is less at stake in allowing the marriage to dissolve.

4. Ironically, children from the prior marriage are one of the leading causes of conflict in a subsequent marriage & the biggest or second biggest contributing factor in the demise of the subsequent marriage .

5. Fighting, arguing or constant nagging about an ex-spouse.

6. Financial disagreements, particularly concerning the amount of money a new husband continues to pay to the ex-wife in alimony, child support or a combination of the two.

7. Once a person discovers that he or she can manage a divorce, they are less scared of going through the process again.

8. Large age difference.

9. Lack of shared religious faith or beliefs in other matters, e.g., finances, retirement, child rearing, discipline etc.

10. Infidelity.

In our mission to find Mr. or Mrs. right, we far too often enter into the second marriage without realizing why the first one failed.  Jewish Marriage Counselors, compare this to NASA building a rocket before finding out why the last one exploded.

Make no mistake, one person does not cause a divorce. Regardless of whether the previous marriage ended because of alcohol, infidelity, lack of communication, verbal abuse or any of the plethora of other issues that are often labeled "irreconcilable differences," it is the continued dissension, constant grappling of two inconsistent or adverse belief systems that leads to the demise of a marriage.

Other contributing factors that lead to conflict which, left unresolved, leads to divorce.

1. Alcohol or substance use and or abuse; excessive gambling

2. One partner wants to stay out late & paint the town while the other has lived that life and is more comfortable at home with a beer in hand and a football game on the tube.

3. Emotional infidelity in the workplace (more predominant when one spouse does not work or has never worked in a professional capacity).

4. Verbal, emotional or physical abuse

5. A clingy or jealous spouse

 Does this mean your second or subsequent marriage is destined for divorce? No! There are couples who survive the overwhelming challenges and obstacles of a second marriage. I intend to be part of that twenty-six (26%). Do you?

Marriage involves a total commitment regardless of whether it's your first, second or ninth marriage. There are statistically proven steps that one can take, to beat the paralyzing odds of divorce.

In Part 2 of this series I will discuss the top ten way to divorce proof your marriage.

How about you? Are you in a second or subsequent marriage? What tips and/or advice can you share in the comment section? What makes your marriage work?  What do you believe is the number one, primary reason for the destruction of second or subsequent marriages? How can we remedy that problem. Please share your experiences.